The Difference Between Self-Compassion and Self-Indulgence
OK so last Tuesday I totally crashed and burned during this big work presentation. Like, awkward silences, forgetting my main points, the whole embarrassing package. And what did I do after? Went straight to the mall, blew $200 I didn’t have, ordered enough takeout for three people, and called it “self-care.”
Yeah… not my proudest moment.
Thing is, I’ve done this SO many times. Confused being actually nice to myself with just doing whatever the hell feels good right this second. I blame Instagram and all those “treat yourself” posts showing girls in bubble baths drinking wine on a Wednesday afternoon. Like that’s gonna solve your problems.
After waking up one too many times feeling even WORSE after my so-called “self-care” binges, I got curious about what real self-compassion actually looks like. Cuz clearly, I was doing it wrong.
Turns out, there’s a massive difference between self-compassion vs self-indulgence. It’s basically the difference between what a good parent would do versus what a kindergartener would pick if they ran the show. (Ice cream for breakfast, lunch AND dinner? Sure! What could go wrong?)
So lemme break down how to tell when you’re being truly kind to yourself versus just letting yourself off the hook for everything.
Spotting the Difference
The Motivation Behind Your Choices
When you’re doing actual self-compassion, you’re thinking beyond just right now. You’re considering how Future You is gonna feel.
My therapist Rachel put it super simple last week: “Ask yourself if you’re making this choice because you genuinely care about yourself or because you’re just desperate to escape feeling bad right now.”
Self-indulgence is basically just wanting what feels good THIS SECOND, consequences be damned. It’s your inner toddler running the show.
How You Handle Crappy Feelings
The biggest giveaway: what do you do when you feel like absolute garbage?
With real self-compassion, you let yourself actually feel the bad stuff. You don’t try to pretend everything’s fine or slap a fake smile on it. But you don’t drown in it forever either.
When my grandma died last year, my sister kept saying stuff like “at least she didn’t suffer” and “she had a good long life.” I know she meant well, but COME ON. Real self-kindness would be more like: “This totally sucks and it makes perfect sense that you’re sad.”
Self-indulgence is all about running away from uncomfortable feelings as fast as humanly possible. Feel bad? Quick, grab your credit card! Chug some wine! Scroll TikTok for three hours! ANYTHING to avoid sitting with the yucky feelings for even five freaking seconds.
Taking Responsibility vs Making Excuses
Most people think being compassionate with yourself means letting yourself off the hook for everything. I sure did.
But get this – people who practice actual self-compassion take MORE responsibility for their screw-ups, not less. My buddy Mike explained why: “When you’re not terrified you’re gonna beat yourself up for days over a mistake, you can actually admit you messed up and learn from it.”
Self-indulgence, though? It’s an excuse factory. “It’s not really my fault because…” or “I deserve to blow this off because…” We’ve all been there, right?
Real-Life Examples
When Your Eating Habits Are a Dumpster Fire
Self-compassionate approach: You realize you’ve been living on drive-thru food for two weeks and feeling like complete trash. Instead of the shame spiral, you’re like, “Yeah, I’ve been crazy busy and cooking hasn’t happened. That makes sense. My body feels like crap though, so maybe I’ll just grab a salad today and take a short walk.”
Self-indulgent approach: Same situation, but you go, “Whatever, life’s short. I deserve to enjoy myself. I’ll just hit McDonald’s again and get a McFlurry too since I’ve had such a crappy week. Diet starts Monday LOL.”
See the difference? One is honest and takes a tiny step to feel better. The other uses “deserving” as an excuse to keep doing the very thing that’s making you feel lousy.
When You’re Procrastinating Like It’s Your Job
Self-compassionate approach: You’ve been putting off this big project and now you’re in panic mode. A compassionate response might be, “OK this feels overwhelming, and that makes sense because it’s a lot. Let me just try to get ONE small part done today instead of the whole monster.”
Self-indulgent approach: Same situation, but your reaction is, “I’m too stressed to deal with this garbage right now. I deserve a break. I’ll just binge Netflix all day and pull an all-nighter if I have to.”
Healthy self-kindness faces the hard stuff. It doesn’t use “being kind to myself” as a get-out-of-jail-free card for dodging all your responsibilities.
After a Fight With Someone You Care About
Self-compassionate approach: You said some pretty harsh things during an argument with your friend. Later, you’re thinking, “That conversation went completely off the rails, and I don’t feel good about some of the stuff I said. I need some time to cool off, then I probably should apologize and try again when I’m not so heated.”
Self-indulgent approach: After the same fight, you’re like, “They totally started it. No way I’m apologizing first. They never really listen to me anyway, so what’s the point? I’m gonna ignore their texts for a while to teach them a lesson.”
The first response takes care of yourself AND takes responsibility. The second is all about pride and punishment.
BS-Cutting Questions to Ask Yourself
When you’re not sure if what you’re doing is self-compassion vs self-indulgence, ask yourself:
1. Am I dealing with this hard thing or dodging it?
Self-compassion means facing difficulties with kindness. Self-indulgence means escaping anything uncomfortable.
2. How’s tomorrow-me gonna feel about this choice?
Healthy self-kindness thinks about later, not just right now.
3. Would I tell my best friend to do this?
This cuts through the crap FAST. Would you actually tell someone you care about to make this same choice?
4. Am I lying to myself right now?
Self-compassion needs brutal honesty. Self-indulgence thrives on the little lies we tell ourselves.
5. Does this fit with what actually matters to me?
True self-compassion supports what you really care about instead of undermining it.
How to Do Real Self-Kindness
Just Freakin’ Pause
Before you automatically react to feeling bad by either beating yourself up or diving into a distraction, just STOP for a sec. Take a breath. Notice what you’re feeling. This tiny pause can change everything.
I started doing this when I catch myself reaching for my phone after a stressful day. Just a 10-second pause to ask, “What am I ACTUALLY feeling right now? And will scrolling for an hour make it better or worse?”
Talk to Yourself Like You’re Not an Asshole
Try to talk to yourself like you’d talk to a good friend who’s going through the same thing. Not fake-nice, but honestly kind.
Instead of “I’m such a loser” or “Whatever, screw it,” this voice might say, “Yeah, this is really hard right now. What’s one tiny thing that might help?”
Picture Tomorrow-You
Before making a choice, ask yourself, “Is tomorrow-me gonna thank me for this or curse my name?” This immediately helps separate healthy self-kindness from short-sighted crap.
I started asking this before deciding whether to have that third beer on a work night. My morning self DEFINITELY appreciates it.
Figure Out What You Actually Need vs Want
There’s a massive difference between what you need and what you want right now. “Self-compassion means giving yourself what you truly NEED, not just what you’re craving,” my friend pointed out after watching me justify my third coffee as “self-care.”
For example, rest is something you legitimately need when you’re exhausted, but scrolling TikTok for three hours isn’t actually restful, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.
Set Some Freaking Boundaries Already
“Self-compassion includes setting limits that protect your well-being,” my therapist told me when I was bitching about saying yes to too many things. “This might mean saying no to other people or setting limits on your own harmful habits.”
Setting boundaries is a huge part of healthy self-kindness that self-indulgence completely ignores.
Why We Get This So Wrong
Several mix-ups keep screwing with our understanding of self-compassion vs self-indulgence:
Myth #1: Self-compassion means going easy on yourself
Nope. Healthy self-kindness actually leads to MORE accountability than self-criticism does. When you’re not terrified of beating yourself up, you can actually admit when you screw up and learn from it.
Myth #2: Putting yourself first is selfish
Sometimes, taking care of yourself is the most compassionate choice for everyone involved. You can’t help others if you’re completely falling apart. What matters is your intention and the actual impact of your choices.
Myth #3: Self-indulgence feels good while self-compassion feels hard
There’s some truth here. Self-indulgence often feels awesome in the moment but leaves you feeling worse later. Genuine self-compassion might feel harder short-term (like having that awkward conversation instead of ghosting someone) but leads to feeling way better about yourself in the long run.
Finding Your Own Balance
The line between self-compassion vs self-indulgence isn’t always super clear. You gotta figure out what healthy self-kindness looks like for YOUR specific life.
My friend Jen (she’s been doing this work for years) says: “Self-compassion includes wisdom about what truly helps you versus what just feels good momentarily. This wisdom grows by paying attention to what ACTUALLY makes your life better, not just what gives you a quick hit of relief.”
Questions that have seriously helped me:
- What helps me feel genuinely better rather than just temporarily distracted?
- When am I fooling myself by calling comfort “care”?
- What choices make me feel good about myself afterward?
- How can I balance feeling good now with feeling good later?
Why This Actually Matters
Understanding the difference between self-compassion vs self-indulgence isn’t just some abstract concept—it changes everything about how we treat ourselves.
True self-compassion isn’t the easy path of avoiding hard stuff or giving in to every impulse. It’s the brave practice of facing our struggles with kindness. While self-indulgence might feel good for a minute, only genuine self-compassion builds the strength we need for a life that doesn’t suck.
The next time you’re facing something difficult, ask yourself not “What do I want right now?” but “What do I truly need, and what will help me be OK in the long run?” That difference changes everything.